miss smidge

then we watch TV, until we fall asleep, not very exciting, but it’s you and me and we’ll, always

smidge — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:56:25 +0000

We talked some more last night about the big decision, particularly the fact it seems to be me that is hanging back from it. Of course, I have been slightly holding back from jumping in with my tiny little feet – i’ve been here twice before, and as I said it’s never worked out before.

I have a lot of thoughts racing around…will we row, can I deal with his mates cluttering the place up with fag ends and beer bottles watching sky sports; indeed ill have to deal with having all the sports channels (a condition of his), what if he goes out on a bender and doesn’t come home, will I become a paranoid eejit, will I become a wife cooking and cleaning and picking his pants up from the bedroom floor.

(Ok, I do that already and he is perfectly trustworthy if he doesn’t come home, I can track him down within 2 text messages as everyone of his friends always know where each of them are – yes I know its weird.)

He could curtail my sluttish behaviour, the kind we all do behind closed doors; my nightly wine drinking, watching trash TV, bathing, reading magazines, pretending the kitten is a teddy bear (she doesn’t appreciate huge hugs, i’m training her) and eating too many Chinese dinners. When do I get the space to do all these things? It’s all talk about his space, his friends, his football, but what about my time, my space, I like the time during the week to sit, quietly, relaxing, working, reading, tweeting and alone.

I will no longer be alone.

But then the house will never be empty either.

I can’t decide if this whole thing will be better or worse…

How do you deal with all these things?

the black death of blogs

smidge — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:57:22 +0000

In amongst the life clean up that I’ve been doing recently (although after bursts of excitement, most of it has gone totally flat, more on that later) i decided to take the lead of LizSara and have an online clear out.

And in doing so, I got a bit of a shock. Like most people who blog I use an RSS reader (mine of choice is Google reader fact fans) and I subscribe to a lot of blogs, you comment, I read you, that the way things work in Smidge land.

However, with twitter (this is me @miss_smidge) I’ve have gained a whole load of new readers (hi guys and gals) and I didn’t really notice my fellow bloggers dropping off, moving house or just simply disappearing.

Until today when I deleted 100 blogs from my reader that had simply stopped up dating.

WTF??

Ok some of you have moved and you’ve not given me your new address, i’ve failed to follow you or forgotten to delete the old address, but come on, 100 missing blogs, and all of them have given up since April?

What the hell is going on? Where are you all going? Is there something more fun than blogging going on that I don’t know about? Is it twitter’s fault? I must be missing a party somewhere, or maybe this blogging thing has got boring…

…Anyways, i’m doing a spring clean around here, so if you are still around and haven’t commented for a while or moved house recently, let me know and ill add your blog, or if you want to stay in my links then let me know that too.

Or if you have any new blogs that are worth checking out then pass them this way, i’m about to have to do some work rather than reading blogs instead!

Don’t think, just because I understand

smidge — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:58:14 +0000

As children, we were spoilt with ice creams, penny sweets, party hats, goody bags, teepes in the garden, sledging in sleeping bags, licking the cake mix, trips to the zoo, beach huts, if we asked, we generally got, life was one long summer’s day on the park.

As adults, we are all guilty of expecting things to come to us, to fall into our laps, to not have to work for the world to just say “yes, here have everything you want”.

But then you come home with pockets full of nothing and wonder where all the hopes and dreams you had as a child went to.

As children, we always had someone there to hold our hand, to open the door, to fasten our seatbelt, to kiss us good night and turn off the light. Someone to wipe away the tears and patch up the scratches and brakes, to put us back on the bike, to give us a push, to reassure, explain, teach.

As adults, we learn to rely on no one but ourselves, we let go of the hands that are there to help, we try to go it alone.

But then there comes a day when you sit awake in the middle of the night and think is there really anyone i can call?

We forget what we have been taught, that our childhood is there to help us as adults, that sunny days should be the norm, that finding joy in small things is one of life’s pleasures, that the child you were hasn’t really gone away.

We forget to blindly reach out a hand in the hope that someone will be there to grab it when you really need it, we forget to keep reaching out in case there is someone who needs us.

As children we didn’t understand what childhood was all about, as adults we seem to have forgotten.

It feel like you were there your self working out

smidge — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:59:04 +0000

I’ve been fighting a cold for the last 2 weeks, and now after i have everything done (2 major last minute reports and the Athens trip) it’s slowly taking over. Right this minute i am in my jammies, a two tops, a pair of uggs covered in paint and my fluffy dressing gown with the heating on full blast and i still feel cold and shaky. I haven’t had a real flu episode for years, not since the general election in 1997 when i had both flu and the worst period pain ever; that was a night to remember for all the wrong reasons.

I should be celebrating the fact that the Boy and last night had the ‘future’ talk, the one where we make lots of decisions and there is lots of kissing and ‘i love yous’ and ‘how the hell is this going to work’ and ‘we might have a few problems initially’, but ‘oh my god this is so exciting’.

But I don’t want to rush things, i have lived with two men before, neither of which worked out. Not because we couldn’t live with each other, but because as soon as we move in, things become comfortable, settled, secure. And then i relax, and relax, and relax some more. Sitting on a Sunday evening in you jammies is cute when it happens the first time, but not sexy when its every evening, however cute he looks in checks.

If he is there all the time, there is no time to make yourself look sexy for him all the time. Dates don’t happen, sitting on your laptops on a sofa each, do. His and her’s toothbrushes are exciting when its left there for naughty nights when you haven’t gone home and you look slightly skanky but not that skanky that you smell. How do you get away from each other in 4 rooms and no corridors?

But then it would be nice to be waiting for him to open the front door coming home, for him to wake me up with a coffee made in our kitchen, for the cats to be ours, for him to wash his own pants left on our bedroom floor. For the food shopping to be shared, for cooking to not just be my job, to have someone take out the rubbish because thats their job, for it to be our house. For it to be our bed, every night.

This flu is starting to send me crazy, i need cuddles and a hot curry, but tonight isnt one of our nights, so i sit here in my jammies alone, wishing he was here…..

Lest we forget

smidge — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:59:43 +0000

Today, whilst we mourn those whose lives have been lost, lets also remember those of the future who will get to live fulfilling lives because they gave up theirs. Lest we forget the freedom they gave and will give us.

They went with songs to the battle, they were young.
Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.

Lest we forget

Yes, we will remember them

Each man’s life touches so many other lives. When he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?

smidge — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:00:13 +0000

Despite being a planner, i did not time my trip to Athens well enough to do anything but squeeze in sleep, deliver my presentation and then consume my body weight in wine in relief that i had actually done it.

…and done it well…

…so well that a director of department of BIG London agency wants me to come work for him next year…

…seriously, no bullshit, no chat up lines, no mistake…

Little me in London in 5 months time.

Will this really happen? I don’t know, it could all be corporate bullshit, but its certainly an opening that could be prised alot wider. But just the fact he said i didn’t understand my worth, that i need to start believing in myself and how in demand i would be if i made the jump from my small town mentality to uptown girl.

I know i wrote this post, i know i said id hate it, but this is huge. It’s crunch time for my life. Do i hide away up here, safe, comfortable and never achieving very much or do i push for this and say “OK, lets do this”.

Its a big decision to make.

Can i? should i? could i? would you?

Who knew work could be this shallow?

smidge — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:01:10 +0000

Right girls and guys, I know this is way off my normal angsty, oh my god, my life, type of posts and honestly i’m not normally this shallow. But as i’m frantically preparing for the most scary experience of my life (not only the speech, but the flying and the solo exploring and eating in a restaurant t alone type stuff)(ok, I have eaten alone before in a restaurant – hate it) I have one small problem, I have no idea what to wear on that stage!

This is the shallow bit, even if i know what i am saying is good, i want to look damn good too!

Ok, it has to be smart, I do smart, but I’m not a city girl, I don’t have a flash suit to wear. I tend to wear comfy black trousers and a nice top to work (and maybe a snugly cardigan if i’m sleepy like today) so my work wardrobe doesn’t really have the wow factor. I might be able to pull something together, but I’m thinking shopping!

So, I need advice. Do I go for a smart black dress? Or black trousers, new white shirt, nice belt, jewellery and my hair up? Down? Or colour? Or a pencil skirt? What? If you can find examples then that would help too….

Help!

what a way to make a living

smidge — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:02:01 +0000

….Principles, associates, directors, company cars, bonuses, work, work, work, work, work, push push push, stomp stomp stomp, wine dine, maybe a little 6 till 9, but get what you want. WANT. Eye on the prize, eye on the salary, the company car, the designer handbag, the seat on the board, the work social life, the tube, the metro, strap hanging onto the dregs of what could have been a life….

This is how i see work. This is how i see the life of people who focus themselves on a career, on getting to the top of the tree. That their life’s work is to work and work harder and harder. Its not that i’m old fashioned, but rather that i see life as something to live through, not work every hour.

What really interests me, is all these people who have these careers aren’t actually doing anything that means anything to them. Its all about money, all about prestige. They don’t care what they do, as long as they get to the top of it.

Is that really what its all about? Surely if you are living to work – and that’s all i see these people doing – you should actually feel something for what you do?

And….relax.

That rant isn’t the point of the post, that is just my defence, that i hated that life, the pointlessness of it all. But now, I’ve been floating for too long, safe in the knowledge that this was not the life for me, that i was doing things a different way, a simple life, a slow life. I argued that just because i floated a little it didn’t mean that intellectual stimulation didn’t drive me. Its just until recently, i didn’t get what specifically what stimulation i’ve needed.

(I also hate admitting to people what i do, it would be easier to be a career girl working in a bank, even if the thought scares the shit out of me.)

(Yes, its something that i should be proud of, i know this.)

But, now, i think i’ve found a path, a path that i could drive a career along, one that does mean something to me, that is important, worthwhile, even a little shiny, sparkly and brave. There is a future ahead of me that before looked a little grey and uninspiring, but now is being illuminated with a little ray of sunshine, a tempting sparkle.

This is life step number 1. Admitting that i’m good at something, something fabulous but downright terrifying. So terrifying that ive not slept for the last two nights. But im going to do it. I’m going to stop being afraid to admit what i do, that in this i am good, that i can stand in front of 200 people and tell them what i am doing, yes me, to drive forward a city, to change policy and to make a very big difference in the future.

Am i alone in this? Do any of you feel like you are really doing the right job for you?

P.s i am speaking at a Greek Government Conference on Climate Change – looking towards Copenhagen on Saturday morning – i’m going to be presenting the way forward for my city – the work that i will be taking forward, im petrified and excited and overwhelmed all at the same time by this…

one more step along the road we take..

smidge — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:02:41 +0000

It’s been nearly a week since I wrote that post. I must admit, that I have yet to actually do anything about it. I’ve been nowhere near the doctor. It seems I am still in denial, still making excuses. The doctor will only confirm that my head needs work, that there are steps to take. I don’t want pills you see. I don’t want to feel like this is an illness that a little white pill twice a day can mask for a while.

The last few years have been a rollercoaster of disappointments, of friendships lost, of relationships fading away into nothing, of excitement fizzling out. I wonder if this numbness I am feeling is more than a simple case of depression, but one of a protective cocoon that I have built up around myself to keep all the pressure of all that loss away.

I am comfortable with it; I’m scared that if I take that first step, the world will come rushing in around me, overwhelming me. I don’t wear my hearing aids because I don’t like the volume the world is set at; If I open myself up to this, I know I won’t like the volume of my thoughts either.

I guess that to move forward you need a spring clean. So, I am going to run an experiment through this blog, a life list, a list of all the things i have blocked out, a list of all the people i need to forget and move on from, things i need to apologise for, things i need to do.

…and instead of just writing a list, im going to sratch them all off, one by one. Whether thats an apology, getting in touch, finding my real family, being single, dumping a toxic friend, getting a divorce, what ever it turns out to be. I’m going to do it.

No excuses.

…and hopefully as i complete each step and eventually finish the list, there will be no need for white pills or men in white coats to tell me what i actually already know myself – that i have a lot to let go of…

Monday Sundries

smidge — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:03:19 +0000

Yes, i know its Tuesday, but i wrote this last night m’kay?

Its the return of the Monday sundries post

(Otherwise known as I’m rather brain dead right now and ill just update you on my life instead)

(which if you follow me on twitter then you will mostly know already)

(so please forgive me, there are pictures…!)

….This weekend I decorated my bedroom, it went from this red hell to this calm oasis (with the cat’s investigating). It is much more relaxing now and less like a cave. I also ordered some art work for the walls

… I have also realised I am a pretty messy person; my little flat is always a tip. I drink and smoke too much when I am left to my own devises, but despite last week’s admission I am actually quite content right now, nesting…however, despite the nesting I have discovered that I have to sleep with the light on when I am alone. I’m not sure when I got scared of the dark, but I have.

…Yesterday I handed in my first university essay in 7 years (impact of climate change on the economy) which I admit I really struggled with. Somehow, when I was applying for this course I forgot that I’m not particularly academic.

…But, work wise… I am off to Athens next weekend to present at a conference on Climate Change, I admit that im shit scared as its to 200 people. If anyone knows anyone who lives in Athens then let me know, otherwise ill be spending Saturday night alone in my hotel room or eating dinner alone in a restaurant. At least there is free wifi…

…Healthwise I have contacted a hypno-therapist about my IBS and have a blood test waiting for the postal strike to end to try and find out what is making me so ill. I spent 3 days in bed last week sick as a dog and I’m honestly sick to the back teeth of it. Plus I haven’t been able to sleep very well recently, I’m currently on 4 hours a night and that’s if the cats don’t wake me up. Its getting to sleep that’s the problem… oh and waking up again. My skin is sallow, i’m getting spots and i’m walking around in a daze all the time.

…Holiday wise I am looking forward to Christmas, 11 days off and I get to give my nephew a big cuddle and see his little face open his first presents…and then pull down the tree, I am also planning a trip to Budapest in January, if anyone has any recommendations/has been before…

…I am also happy to report that Fin has now had his cast removed and his leg is slowly getting better, at least it no longer looks like it died. Here he is complete with his plastic collar, poor boy! And if you missed it, here is one of Fin’s more unusual sleeping positions. Lily’s shaved bits are growing back slowly after her op, but she has yet to calm down, even though she is meant to. She is also a little overweight and is now on a diet which she is not impressed with.

I think thats it for now…Normal service will resume when my brain is back from its holidays…

P.s how are you?